Press Secretary Josh Earnest reported in a News conference earlier this evening on the arrest of Santa Claus. “Frankly, The President was very suspicious that an old man like this was flying about all over America nearly two weeks before that Christian Holiday”. A senior official in The Obama administration says Santa was placed on the Secret No Fly List based upon a month old complaint made by a middle eastern couple. The couple live near Santa’s massive home and toy factory. The couple allege that one afternoon when they were in the process of shopping for common household items like grenades and automatic weapons, Santa drove by them in a large Christian decorated snow mobile and wished the couple a Merry Christmas!
“The couple were absolutely horrified by this Christian greeting,” said Earnest. The American Civil Liberties Union is considering a Civil Suit in addition to the criminal charges Santa faces for violating the No Fly order. The ACLU has dealt with hate speech cases before, but certainly nothing of this magnitude!
Republicans in Congress are considering a bill that would exempt Santa from the No Fly violation, but Senator McConnell says there is not much we can do about a religious hate crime. “Bringing this up for a vote is a waste of time, the American people do not support this type of religious bigotry however, they do want toys delivered to their children, so we are trying to get him released for his Holiday duties, it may be that we can fine him for the insensitive remarks and ignore the No Fly violation just this once”.
President Obama, in response to McConnell’s comments said, “there are no plans to release Santa Claus in observance of the Holiday, unless the couple offended are willing to accept a letter of apology along with twenty million in compensation”. Attorney General Loretta Lynch added the following: “Heinous crimes like these are not easy to dismiss, people have their Constitutional rights, but we also have to watch speech that inspires ABOMINABLE HATE, Santa Claus should know better than to utter such a hate filled greeting”.
With only a little over a week until that Christian Holiday, the issues involving Santa’s release may be a moot point. An anonymous call from one of the maximum Security Correction Officers stationed at the prison claims that Santa is no longer eating. This new development begs the question: If Santa is not released soon will he have the strength to make the flight all over the World?
“Look, said Obama, “I don’t want to ruin that Christian Holiday, but there were other factors involved with Santa. We found over three hundred million toy guns in Santa’s bag, this does not represent the values of the American People”.
I suppose the outcome concerning Santa will be another partisan battle between democrats and republicans. The last comment in the news concerning this issue was made by Senator Dianne Feinstein: “If the republicans would have worked with us to pass a toy gun ban bill, perhaps the middle eastern couple would have never complained, it was a combination of the toy guns and the religious hate speech that frightened them!”
The preceding Christmas tale was a PARODY. Nothing in the parody above is true. Santa Claus was not arrested and I am sure he is still making plans to bless little children with gifts all over the world. No persons mentioned in the Parody above were involved in any activities alleged and neither was The American Civil Liberties union involved in anyway in any of the activities presented in this fictitious Parody.
The sad thing about all this: Is that I was able to come up with it in the first place. I wonder why? Do you know?
Merry Christmas and GOD BLESS AMERICA,
We need it.
Mark Damon